On July 23, 2014, I wrote this entry into my journal:
“It’s my birthday today. My golden birthday. Hopefully this year will be full of new adventure, growth, and finding out who I am. I’m going to make it about positivity and believing in myself. Forget drama, pettiness, and worry. I’m going to be positive and speak positive… I’m going to be the best me I can be.”
Literally less than a month later my boyfriend of two years (who was amazing and perfect and who I was 100% sure I would marry) dumped me on my behind out of the freaking blue (yeah, I know, *gasp*). And like any self-respecting-but-momentarily-out-of-her-freaking-mind girl, I lost it. Like, lock myself up in my room watching The Notebook sobbing and yelling at the screen lost it. Like, having panic attacks at work lost it. Like, listening to every Taylor Swift song ever lost it. You know what I mean. It’s serious when the T-Swift music is on repeat.
So, anyway, as you can see, my golden year was off to a really fan-freaking-tastic start. Positivity? Yeah, no, not happening. Believing in myself? Ha. The only thing I was believing in was my ability to eat a gallon of ice cream on my own in one night.
A couple weeks went by. They might as well have been months though, because I was so exhausted and so numb that every second seemed to last an eternity. How would I get through the next day, let alone the next few months without him by my side? My whole life plan was shattered. I was suddenly lost, floating around in this world completely unsure of who I was and what I was doing and where I belonged. He was my everything. And I guess that’s the problem with relationships sometimes, huh? You take your whole world, everything you are, and set it to the side in a safe place (or sometimes maybe you just chuck it overboard and into the sea) to make room for this relationship. They become your reason for doing anything you do; your sun and moon and stars. But they’re just a human and you can’t make people do what you need them to. And they can’t make you into what they want either. In the words of the wise Taylor Swift, “people are people and sometimes they change their minds.” Ain’t it the truth.
Taylor writes a lot about lost love and breakups and guys who were complete jerks. And even if you don’t like her music (I’ll forgive you for that), don’t you dare sit on the other side of this computer screen and tell me that you don’t relate to her lyrics. Don’t even try. Because I know you do. What really interests me about T-Swift, though, is that she is still hopeful about love. Actually, even better than that, she still loves herself. Now, disclaimer here, I don’t actually know the girl – and I’m sure I seem like some crazed fangirl (okay, I am) – but her lyrics and her interviews make me think it’s true. These last couple years the girl has been doing her own thing and owning it.
So somewhere amidst my completely shattered heart, the stupid texts my ex kept sending me, and some hellogiggles.com post-break-up posts, I decided to follow in her footsteps. I’m channeling my inner Taylor Swift. Forget him, forget the life plan I had made, and forget what anyone else says. What about me? Despite what my ex may think, I do matter. My opinion matters, my heart matters, my health matters. I matter so much, it really is unbelievable. And if I matter to no one else (which isn’t true obviously), then at least I matter to me.
I was right in what I said in my journal, though (it was like an omen – creepy). This year is about adventure, growth, and finding out who I am. It’s about me. It’s my golden age, it’s about learning to love myself no matter what my job is, no matter who I’m friends with, and especially no matter what my relationship status is. I’m wild and free and so so alive.
You may be wondering “cool, Kaitlin, sounds great. But what the heck is the point of this blog then?” Thanks for asking, random stranger (or maybe not)! Here, you’ll find stories of my adventures (yay!), random things that entertain me, tips and tricks I’m learning (like what songs to listen to post-breakup), the awful dates I’ll go on (OH BOY), and all the things I’m doing for me. Because sometimes it’s okay to make sure you’re the most important person in your life. I hope that as you read and maybe follow on my journey, you can relate and join me on this journey to loving life (because it’s beautiful, so are you, and we have the world at our fingertips). As Taylor says: haters gonna hate, players gonna play, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake. But you just gotta shake it off.
So I am.
Welcome to the story of my golden age.