Turns out I’m not as good at keeping promises to myself as I thought I would be. I did it again. You know what I’m talking about; The Thing. Okay, but before you shake your head at me or roll your eyes (ugh, honestly I would do that if I were you, too), let me explain.
I’ve been really good lately. Minding my own business on social media, avoiding all things (and all people) who could tie me back to him in any way. The only thing I’ve obsessively stalked lately on Instagram is New York Fashion Week (side note: Kate Spade’s SS16 line is giving me life). I’ve mostly just been scrolling through my explore page, looking for backstage snaps at NYFW, wishing I was there wearing pretty clothes and writing reviews. So, you can imagine my surprise when one day I’m sifting through all of these bloggers’ beautiful photos (dripping in jealousy) and hidden amongst them is a picture of my ex and his new girlfriend. Dammit, Instagram Explore Page, you’ve betrayed me yet again!
So there I was, sitting at the clichéd fork in the road. I could click on the photo and see what they were up to, what was being said, what the context behind the photo was. Or, I could quickly scroll past and keep looking at new designers’ debuts in fashion week.
I scrolled past. (I know, go me! Hold the applause, please).
But then I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’ve always been too curious for my own good, and my heart raced while my head filled with unknowns. I hate not knowing things.
So I scrolled back up. My head kept telling my hands to stop, but I clicked the picture anyway. I dived head-first back down the rabbit hole.
And of course what I found was displeasing and annoying (I’ll leave out the specifics because it’s really not any of my business, let alone any of yours). But I freaked out a little internally. I texted the usual couple of girls I text when I’m having a mental and/or emotional breakdown, panicking and feeling in the mood to rant. I waited for responses that didn’t come as quickly as I thought they would (which is fine, they have lives of their own). I stewed, anxious and wanting to know even more about these people: one who I’ve never met before and one who I swear I knew but maybe actually didn’t.
So I kept searching, looking for answers to a question I didn’t even know how to ask, looking for something to bring me peace and let me stop the searching. I just wanted something. I was grasping at straws, honestly, desperate to understand what I’ve been so confused about for so long: what is it that I am missing?
As I flipped through this girl’s life (I’m so sorry I’m such a creep, I’m so so sorry) I realized a few things. One: that yes, she and I are in fact incredibly similar. Like she and I are almost the same person. It’s laughable, honestly. I’m literally chuckling to myself thinking about it right now. Two part A: that she seems to have more of her shit together than I probably ever will, followed by Two part B: that that’s probably just how it seems on Instagram. And then finally, after too many minutes of looking at the thing that was torturing me, I came to realization number Three: She adores things about him that I never really liked.
It was a slow realization. Hurt turned into judgment and judgment turned into confusion and then finally, confusion turned into an answer.
Everything in me wanted to hate this poor girl I didn’t know, but I just couldn’t. Honestly, (and it pains me to say this) she seems to be better for him than I ever was. Things that he did that used to embarrass or irritate me make her laugh. She lets him take part in every aspect of her life, where I liked to keep some things for myself. She’s just like me, but she fits him even better than I did.
So, if there is someone out there who is just like me but even better for him than I was, doesn’t that have to mean there is someone out there who is similar to him but better for me than he ever was? The problem never was that I am missing something, some quality that would make me perfect for him (or anyone at all). The problem was that he and I were mismatched. I am whole.
And despite what I found displeasing and annoying, I really am strangely happy for them. Not like “yay I’m so excited for you two! I’m totally stoked about this whole thing! Get married right now!” but more like “I think I can handle this now that I kind of understand and I know I’m not wrong about my decision and that I’m not a crazy person” (okay maybe a little crazy since I have been insta-stalking, but give me a break).
I made it out of the rabbit hole yet again, practically unscathed. *wipes brow dramatically* That was a close one. At least now I have some answers and that little sliver of peace that I needed.
Christina Yang once said in Grey’s Anatomy, “He is not the sun; you are.”
This is where his sun sets in my world, and I let myself return to being the only force in charge of my universe.